My word of the year

and this year's half fail/half success

At the end of every calendar year, I choose a word to help guide me into the next. It sits better for me than resolutions, and feels less like I’m setting myself up to fail with a super specific goal, like a certain number of pushups (but for the record right now my max is 2).

For 2023, my word was abundance. I was anticipating all to come this year and knew that it would be a season of change and hard work, and my tendency when life is tough is to feel like there ‘isn’t enough’. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough space. My hope was to begin undoing my scarcity mindset, to keep at the forefront the reminder that good things in life aren’t available in finite quantities, that there is safety and stability amidst the stress and struggle.

*That did not go quite as planned*

I feel like 2023 said, “I see your bet, and I raise you x12”. This year was really hard. A big, stressful move, health scares, exciting but challenging opportunities at work, and the grab bag of little fires that come with getting older, relationships evolving, and the 4:30PM sunset in November. When things were hard this year, I struggled with not feeling consumed by [worry, fear, anger, anxiety]. At times I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. I was not able to ground myself the way I had hoped, and I spent much of the year feeling like I was just trying to survive.

At the same time, in the spirit of abundance, I can recognize that there were many wonderful moments - the gems under the rubble. My boyfriend Kole graduated from medical school, became a doctor, and started residency (and, because I am his ghost writer and personal copy editor, so did I); we celebrated our shared accomplishment with our first real vacation together, a seafood heavy tour of Croatia. I spent a month in Germany running a new summer program I had the opportunity to design. My oldest friend got married on a beautiful, sunny October day. My best friends from college and I spent many weekends together, grilling over campfires, celebrating big life moments, drinking, crying, and dancing.

As I reflect on this year and prepare for the next, no word is ringing more clearly to me than ‘health’. So, that is my word and intention for 2024, health in all its forms: mental, physical, interpersonal. For me, 2023 brought real clarity to how important it is to be in a healthy relationship with my body, mind, and the people I love.

Health to me also means taking time to be by myself, cooking great food, reading for fun, not worrying too much about money, chocolate chip muffins, spending time outside.

My relationship with my physical health has taken the most up and down journey this year. I imagine other folks with chronic illnesses can relate to the feeling of betrayal that comes with the realization that in some ways, your body is working against you. Or, the sadness of learning your body needs so much more support than you might know how to give it. My initial response to my celiac diagnosis was an anger I expected. What followed was a sadness that was new. I felt so sorry that I had missed some cues and pushed through discomfort I shouldn’t have, that I didn’t know how to better advocate for myself in the doctor’s office, that I was trying to exert dominance over my body instead of standing side by side with it. I often times feel at a loss about how to help myself feel better. I’m recognizing that that might be a long process of finding harmony again.

Health, in all its forms, is a right. And, I think it’s important to recognize that health is unfortunately also a privilege. Fresh groceries, gym memberships, time to make homemade meals, therapy, access to medical care are all restrictive by cost, time, and mobility. It’s a distorted reality that not everyone in this country can access basic care. I feel that of our conversation around health and who is or is not “healthy” needs to recognize this truth.

I also reject the idea that health means limitations or restrictions. I’ve never been a believer in “good” or “bad” food. I subscribe to the BOTH/AND way of life; I am a true Libra. I’m all about adding, not subtracting (except, of course, gluten). In this way, health and abundance are similar intentions for me - I want my focus to be on balance, on accepting life’s challenges and doing my best anyway, and not letting perfect be the enemy of good.

Despite a really trying year, I don’t think my intention was a fail. Perhaps this was the universe offering me some sobering perspective - that in the face of a shit show, I still undoubtedly live a life of abundance. I have friends to call on a bad day, family to celebrate holidays and accomplishments with, a house that feels like a home, and a body that shows up every day to try its best.

I have hope that 2024 will continue to build in me capacity to do hard things. A deeper sense of empathy, care, and warmth for myself and others. I wish the same for all of us.